This post is for anyone who just wishes they could do a little better or be a little better sometimes. So I'm pretty sure this post is for everyone. It's definitely for me. This topic has been on my mind since the beginning of this semester. I've never even thought about myself as a perfectionist before. I'm a 9 on the enneagram and I've always been really laid back, kind of giving off a lazy vibe (or for people who know me more, really giving off a lazy vibe). However this semester I feel like I've really been pushing myself to be my best. In fact, I've kind of put "best" as the expectation. I think pushing yourself can mean a lot of different things. The verb push means to exert force on something- in this case on yourself. It can vary from a really healthy "push" to a really unhealthy push. I think it's worth it to take a breath- yes, a second of stopping- and evaluate how hard you have been pushing yourself. What areas of your life have you been pushing yourself the hardest (ex. school, extracurriculars, even Christian events)? What areas in your life do you constantly feel like you're constantly working at yet feel like you're not doing enough in? These are personal questions, because no one else can see the expectations you set for yourself or your inner critic. So take a second and be honest with yourself and answer those two questions.
For me, I know that God gives me grace. When I mess up, He's got it covered. So I've been asking myself why am I so hard on myself? The one who created me loves me with my imperfections, so why do I try to nitpick every single one of them out of my life and even worse, all by myself? God has been giving me answers to these questions this semester, so I'd like to share some of these thoughts with you:
You are not God. I happened to listen to a podcast the morning after I got 3 hours of sleep due to last second studying, and it told me "You are not a superhero for not getting enough sleep." Yeah God never rests, but you're supposed to!! God created day and night for a reason. He even created night first. You have to rest before you do, and that should be a big relief. Resting is having faith that God is still working while you aren't.
God convicts you not condemns you. I've been reading a book about prayer and it talks a lot about how Satan is actually your enemy. He's the one who accuses you and the one who lies to you. If you are feeling condemnation for the "lack" of what you're doing, if you feel guilty for not meeting a goal you had, and if you are left feeling like there's no hope to fix it, that is the enemy condemning you. However, God convicts. Conviction feels like hope to rebuild on. Conviction points to God's grace not your mistakes.
Our sin can point to God's grace. As long as we don't use this as an excuse to sin, it can be a big turning point. If we use our imperfection to point to God's perfection instead of setting perfection as our own standard, we can glorify God so much more. Instead of trying to be the God of our own lives, we can humble ourselves and let God do His thing. When we try to do things all on our own it's easy to forget that God's the one who moves mountains, not us. God is the one who opens up the heavens. Just like how we don't pry the clouds open for it to rain, we don't have to beat down God's door for him to rain down His love. He just can. Let what you fall short of glorify what God can still do in and through your life.
We live in a world that seeks perfection, but I think it's more important for us to simply worship a perfect God. I'm learning how to be thankful that I don't have to do it all and I don't have to be the perfect Christian to glorify God's name while I'm on this earth. Pushing myself to "be better" in a healthy way simply looks like relying on God and what He can do through me instead of taking it into my own hands. I know this looks so different for everyone, but I hope you can take this and know you don't need to be as hard on yourself as you think you do. I pray that you can lean into God's everlasting love and grace and all have great weeks! <3